Thursday, April 18, 2013

Dat Ass

I know I stated in the previous post that I had more Dino-thoughts, and that they would be relayed tonight. One of those statements was true.

Today, however, I was inspired by a comment made by a friend regarding someone else's comments regarding someone else's video. No links. No notability. I play by my own rules.

Let's head up today's topic with an indisputable fact: J Larkin is a tubby woman.

This is not up for debate. This is not something that can be denied, or argued, or rationalized. I was born and (MAN) I feel like a woman*. I have lady bits and everything. And I'm overweight. Noticeably so. I can buy *people* clothes, but I have to reach into the very back of the pile. I am extra-large. Squishy. Soft.

But shrinking!

Several months ago, I decided to get serious about losing weight. Not because I wanted to impress anyone. Not even because I wanted people to stop looking at me and treating me different than they look at and treat my normal-sized friends. Honestly, it had more to do with wanting to buy t-shirts supporting my favorite musicians than with my looks--check online. Buy a shirt. Most 'babydoll' shirts are absurdly small. Larger female fans are not taken into consideration--or they are left with ill-fitting 'men's' shirts. So it comes down to accepting that you don't fit into your gender, or just not extra-financially supporting your bands/brands.

Also, I just wanted to be healthier. Overall healthier.

I've had a lot of success! I'm still noticeably fatter than my contemporaries, but I have shrunk quite a bit, and intend to continue shrinking. It is hard. I'm counting calories, which is a little like counting hair follicles every time you want to dye your 'do a new color. It is frustrating and annoying, but it's working. I slip back sometimes, and some weeks are better than others, but it is an every-day process, and I feel a little glowy pride when I am successful.

Several years ago, I decided I wanted to be an author. I wanted to tell people stories and have an effect on their lives, the same way countless strangers had effected change in MY life over the years. I wanted to put something into the world. Something good. Something exciting. Something only I could offer.

I started a book, and it fizzled. I was in college at the time, and simply did not have the discipline or the time to devote to it. I started a second book, and after three years, it was finished! I queried agents for months. I collected dozens--dozens!--of rejections. It stung, the way a bear bite stings. Eventually, I retired that book. Someday I will go back and rework it. I will put it through the ringer again.

Then I started writing Lorelei, Once.

It was a rough start. I hated it. I thought it was awful. I thought that my time as an author was done--writing was fine, storytelling was great, but I just didn't have what was needed. I had no future as a writer. I needed to figure out something more mundane. Something less suited to my own needs and wants.

A few friends read the first couple of chapters. They insisted I keep going.

I fell in love. The story, the characters, the world. I delved into it all, and found the spark of passion that had been snuffed out by rejection and time. I wrapped myself in the process of storytelling, and the work of writing, and thought of little else. There was not a moment of any given day that Lorelei was not in my mind. I managed to finish writing the first book in less than a year. And it is not a small book.

Whether it ever finds a publisher, whether or not anyone ever reads it except my selected friends and family, I love Lorelei, Once. Whilst writing it, I slaughtered the depression-beast. It put me through and got me through some of the hardest moments of my life--in ways I will never be able to describe. I forced me to reconcile events in my past, and prepared me for concerns I have regarding the future. It helped me express feels that I didn't even know I was feeling. It helped me grow as a writer. It helped me grow as a person. It convinced me that the 'published author' dream is worth pursuing.

A few weeks ago, an old coworker came into the bakery. She made the rounds, greeting everyone, discussing her current job and what she's been up to. It was nice to see her. When she reached me, our conversation went something like this:

"So, what have you been up to?"

"Oh, same old. I just finished a new book!"

"Oh, that's nice."

"Yeah, I've got a great feeling about this one-"

"That's nice. Hey, have you lost weight?"

"Yeah. It's an ongoing project."

"Oh my gosh! How much?"

"About sixty pounds."




"Thank you."

"THAT'S AMAAAZING!!" Stunned stare. Open-mouthed grin. "OH MY GOSH. AWESOME!!!"


Of all things, I am most concerned and most proud of my brain. What are you most pleased with? What do you notice the most in your friends? Do they know that?

*you have this song in your head now. I am sorry.


  1. "I'm counting calories, which is a little like counting hair follicles every time you want to dye your 'do a new color."

    I love this analogy. I want to steal it and use it as my excuse for NOT counting calories despite all of my winter hibernation fat I packed on.

    That and I DO indeed love your brain.

    1. You may take that analogy, and keep it in your back pocket for whenever you have need :)

      And I love your brain, too!